I have mixed in with that the fear of depression. I’ve had moments when I was so mad with her, I didn’t want to give my wife the satisfaction of providing that sexual release I so badly needed biologically–but then when I gave in and let go, it turned out to be a very helpful healing step for the relationship. Where are men like us supposed to go; I am still a physical being with physical needs,and no one to share a life with. ~ A Parent’s Guide, Husbands and wives are not compelled to mate because their genes or hormones order them to do so. Although I am still celibate, things have changed. And I see the joy that awaits those who accept this supernal gift and use it worthily. For it does many things through vicious desire, as though in forgetfulness of itself. These are entirely different things. I was also confused by how many of the quotes in your 2nd chapter were taken from “dead” authorities. 1 can be almost any duration from minutes to months. There are several things on this web site that are great resources. I have, for years, shed countless tears and prayed countless hours to God for Him to provide a way or to reveal the purpose behind it all, and He won’t. MANY MANY OTHERS…. That period of time, happening close to 20 years ago (similar to your situation) put my wife on a roller coaster ride that is similar to yours. Thoery and practice though, seem to be 2 totally different enterprises. Strawberry Letter. Other men who come constantly run in front of me to hit balls that are mine and will never set me. If you don’t think they’ll help, find someone to talk to about it. To keep things going I felt I had to just kick it in gear and get on with things. I SOOO understand that! It’s a happy place. No good can come from it. One surprising result of this is that I genuinely felt happier most of the time. That draws me back to a favorite scripture, though it is sometimes painful and my faith is not always up to the test. But I do wish that you had found another alternative to infidelity.  He also points out that there are those "which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake", but in the original Greek, the word εὐνοῦχος means "castrated person". His solution was to place controls on women to limit their ability to influence men. All that pontificating, though really doesn’t help with “what to do” about it. Still, i married her for better or worse, even if this is worse. It cannot come any other way. Then she will come begging me for table scraps of love and affection! Out of 40 some odd quotes, I pulled out 7 that suggest that sex is more than just allowed in marriage. Your husband may never change, that’s his journey, but you will be in a better place, and your children will be in a better place. This happened so gradually, that I didn’t even consciously realize that we eventually could some up the total voluntary physical contact time to that which occurred during sex. Do they care about the divorces that happen after people get married because they don’t get along sexually or not? However, in both the East and the West, bishops are chosen from among those who are celibate. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen them before, and I was crushed to discover there was no oasis. She wants me to be “safe” for her. Days turn to weeks turn months and then if I do say something, she’ll say, “You’ve got no complaints!” As if I should be greatful for what I get and I should be happy with that. I felt like an object only to be used for my husband’s satisfaction. I’ve been sort of whining and complaining to God about wanting a lover for so long, while I have perhaps been “running” from a deeper spiritual relationship with Him. He believed that the serpent approached Eve because she was less rational and lacked self-control, while Adam's choice to eat was viewed as an act of kindness so that Eve would not be left alone. I’m sure that I was not a very attractive person when I was whiny about not getting enough sex. I have come to figure out that my wife has borderline personality disorder, (and has drifted away from Christ), and that is probably key. To her, that is enough and that is all she thinks he needs. I’m glad to have found this. I have always believed that divorce should never be an option. In order that these instincts may be controlled and directed into proper channels, they should be indulged only within the divinely instituted sacrament of marriage (Hugh B.  Jerome referred to marriage prohibition for priests when he claimed in Against Jovinianus that Peter and the other apostles had been married before they were called, but subsequently gave up their marital relations. : ). I know they are very real and very strong and very disturbing for you. Your situation is certainly a painful one. Let her know that you want to talk about your sex life and schedule a time to sit together and talk. But my words in Scripture say that I will take what is bad and turn it for good. But these were the experts! She loves me and I love her, thus making the whole situation even more difficult to fathom. So, all of you people out there who read me,…please recognize that my feelings are often rather raw and exposed. Commitment coupled with emotional intimacy between husband and wife allows the soul satisfying sweetness of sexual union that you crave. The sex didn’t happen as often as I needed, and I didn’t know what to do because I was unlearned and inexperienced with recognizing depression problems, let alone helping someone in that situation. Married and celibate. Some of the posts you have there I struggle with because of ambiguity and confusion. After all, my mind tells me, “she can’t help it, it’s her meds”. He asked for a broken heart and contrite spirit. When God says that he looks on the heart, I believe he’s talking about a much deeper place than man’s vision is able to penetrate. This stuff is the sacred ground of the soul. For men it’s more like, if we’re awake, we’re ready to go, but if we’re asleep there’s only a 50/50 chance! As time went on, it was clear that I wanted sex more than she did. This is part of why these experiments always ended in the same position or worse than how they started. ( unless she isn’t a temple patron that is then I guess she can do as she likes as she isn’t under covenant ), I do need help and am not reviving it in therapy. It is so sad to be in this situation. I ache for a husband who will treat me that way. I feel like she is saying to me: “Because you sinned and hurt me, now it is your turn to feel the pain and have to deal with the problems going forward.” She denies this is what she is saying to me, but it sure feels like that. I pray that Random Surfer will have the strength and the courage to ask forgiveness from his wife in all sincerity and seek forgiveness. Advertise With Us All my life I prayed that God would let me be married, so that when we had sex, it would be “morally OK”. It seems treated primarily as a THOU SHALT NOT in a strong manner. I kept up the sex and even engaged in some behaviors I felt very uncomfortable with because that’s what he wanted and I was trying to be a good wife. I can’t carry that particular load while trying to lead a functional and otherwise happy life. But I could not face living the rest of my life like that. Too bad she can’t see the elephant in the room. Your heart, which is yourt connection to the divine, will tell you when you are in a place of quiet contemplation. Mentally, I had been down the same destructive paths that others had experienced physically. I have had two Elder’s Quorem Presidents tell me that during their time at the LDS MTC, they were told by the president that if they had that book, they were to send it home immediately–that it wasn’t approved literature, and that they were not to have it in their possession. I resolved to be the most content, happy, kind, helpful person I could be regardless of anything my wife chose to do or say. 6. But I wanted to say something about the LifeStar program in both SL County and Utah County. I was determined to succeed, but the terror I felt towards this particular challenge was acute. It will however encourage couples to seek solutions that bless each other rather than simply giving up and shutting down. Pythagorean thinking was dominated by a profoundly mystical view of the world. Well, fast forward, and I am struggling because I don’t think I can emotionally go through another anniversary like those again. I thought it would cure the problem from my end, but now I lust like 98% of the time. From 5:30 in the morning to 10:30 or 11:00 at night, if I was not at work, I was doing house chores that I thought would grease the wheels for sex later that night. I may have to quote you! And I don’t. That usage, and use of phrases like “seems to be forgivable” make it difficult to understand if it really is or not. If your miserable for all eternity, than you are not in heaven, you’re in Hell. This is a “shame based” approach, and I have talked to people who believe that the LDS church, unfortunately, is a shame based organization. " Celibacy was first required of some clerics in 1123 at the First Lateran Council. Paul of Thebes is often credited with being the first hermit monk to go to the desert, but it was Anthony the Great who launched the movement that became the Desert Fathers. It is often in association with the role of a religious official or devotee. Looks like it’s already helping many people! I believe that in marriage we should be interested in what makes our spouse happy, not simply what will keep them alive. All of these men have been forced to make peace with their less than ideal situation–and they ARE making peace with it. I’ve heard my wife cry herself to sleep on many many nights. (Interestingly enough, during counseling he recently told me he had been seeing a counselor during this time but he never told me about it and had always been adamant that he didn’t need help in that way. ) I believe that makes a big difference. I’d say you’re doing it right. The living hell that my daughters and I have endured will be ending soon. I had been in the world for most of my life and she had too. I have to believe there will be a solution, a reward for this experience. He won’t discuss any marital issues with me between sessions. I’m sad, my jaw is locked all of the time and I have a hard time interacting with anyone because my stress level is so high. I know that there have been pornography/masterbation issues in the past (and really probably in the present although I haven’t seen the signs), and several times I have come to the point that I feel as though I am done here. And then there’s the matter of respect. I had one orgasm when we had been married just a few months, and that is the only one that has been unaided in our marriage. I have to wait and see. She can become angry, react poorly, take offense, make all sorts of demands and I am left to simply say “yes dear.” Thankfully, my wife has a good heart, but she’s been aware of this situation for a little longer than her dullard husband. I believe that God loves his children. I appreciate your kindness in this matter. It’s so tough for any of us to be able to set our own needs aside and focus on the other’s needs–especially when we are coming from a place of so much hurt and pain. And one thing that’s taken me years of “sex deprivation” to realize is that it’s not just orgasm that I crave. Laura Brotherson’s book is also recommended. I grew up in a family and culture where sex was never talked about–EVER. It is difficult for me to believe that the highest form of love is to endure agony indefinately, and that God wants us to sacrifice everything, including our chance for happiness, for the sake of marriage. Why does the focus seem so exclusively on protecting AGAINST sin, and not what do do while IN the marriage to keep the home fires burning? Funny…people usually call me the happiest, funniest person they know. Unwittingly, they actually invalidate my feelings and damage my ability to trust that they have my best interest in mind. I’m a good and faithful husband and father of two boys, 8 & 13. Posted on March 30, 2013 by ARcher. It’s something I call the “SeeSaw Effect” (recently referred to in a tele-seminar I did for The Dating Divas — http://strengtheningmarriage.com/blog/marriage/emotional-foreplay-dating-divas-tele-seminar). Who would have thought that wisdom would come from a fictional character Uncle Hub! The main concern has NEVER been addressed. Ouch! To keep my end of the covenant, do I really need to become an object and give him sex when I don’t feel he is keeping his end of the covenant? If sex is essential and important in marriage, it would be nice to have someone in authority finally come out and just say it. She counsels with couples and individuals in private practice (and online) and is passionate about helping couples navigate the intricacies of intimacy--specializing in healthy sexuality, sex therapy, and sex addiction. I struggle because I don’t know the answers to either. Babb, Lawrence A. I’m sure she also feels more comfortable talking to me about sex and intimacy since she’s less afraid that I will push her beyond her comfort zone or that I’ll complain about frequency. Satan is wreaking havoc in this world by teaching women (generally I think it is women) to assert their rights to pull away, and then providing men alternatives to an empty marriage bed. I wish I had known that the church’s position was to stay out of the bedroom and leave it to husband and wife, and that this governed why they even seem to avoid direct reinforcement of sexual connection in marriage. I commend and respect that greatly. I am also an involuntary celibate. She has a different perspective as in her situation, she probably doesn’t feel a need much. ….its just an “unessential perk?” Sure seems like it has been treated that way by the church since what I feel is a “myth”. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.  Celibacy was popularised by the early Christian theologians like Saint Augustine of Hippo and Origen. A lot has been said about a woman feeling safe – I understand this now. There are likely very few wives who’s only road block to a good sex life is a perception that the church does not encourage it. Really make it about helping her heal. That lasted about 5 weeks and then I quickly became disinterested in sex. In reality, they may be surprised about your needs [or the seriousness of your needs]” (Ensign, Dec. 2007, p. 16). It is a stupid thing to do because men ALSO file for divorce. Thanks for providing a new way to conceive of marriage, sex, and the atonement. How is your faith with God? I really hope you are accurate on this information Laura. But, I was not raised to take such problems to my bishop,…and when I have, his attitude is “Even if you never have sex again, it is still worth it to keep the commandments.” (Direct quote). Your post freaks me out…REALLY BAD! My uncle, who raped me in my mouth starting when I was three years old, died and I put the whole thing in God’s hands and didn’t fret about it anymore. These groups included the Shakers, the Harmony Society and the Ephrata Cloister. Maybe he has good boy syndrome ? Awesome! Keep searching for help. I wrote my last book, Love You, Hate the Porn, with Geoff Steurer, director of the LifeSTAR program in St. George, Utah. I too am living involuntarily celibate. Like she was being asked to run the gauntlet. I worry he will not change the longer time goes on. Your husband may suffer from low testosterone. One of the things our therapist points out is that my wife gets to have her feelings just they way they are, and that she is just fine for having those. But what am I going to do? it is gut-wrenching for me to try. ~ Elder Richard G. Scott, “Making the Right Choices”, Ensign, November, 1994, The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure. Celibacy was a matter of choice for bishops, priests, and deacons. I have many clients where the wife is the “softer” personality and they often feel like they never have the chance to even voice their thoughts and feelings because their husband jumps in with a rebuttal or correction or whatever and it just shuts her down further. And she knows it is … because she knows how much I want her! Of course, this is the pot calling the kettle black. Celibate definition, a person who abstains from sexual relations. What frightens me for you (and my wife) is that the feelings are gone–just poof and they are completely removed. I can count the times on one hand where she has initiated in the past several years. And it kicked in bad. You see, when you place those quotes into their parent document, often they have trailing “barbs”. With all of my husband’s anger and accusations it is challenging to keep my perspective and I often second guess my decisions, but your comments have validated what I feel I am trying to do here. See more. Thank you. But he was that way before I cut him off. Update from 2007. ~ Brent A. Barlow, “They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Ensign, Sep 1986, The union of man and woman is sanctified and glorified in marriage and becomes an expression of the love, unity, and potential godhood of man and woman. Dangerous!!!!! Given the topic, it is hard to have a conversation with many people that would help for other issues. In those times marriage was an economic matter rather than one of love. I’m sure I want it more than I want God, which violates God’s greatest commandment to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Kimball. Do you know how much such thoughts hurt and have hurt me in the past! I have to believe it can break through even the hardest of hearts. Metaphorically speaking, when I read the experiences of others here, I couldn’t believe they had been in MY desert for decades! You must leave her alone sexually and intimately so I can heal her. It makes me realize that sex for him has very little to do with love and fulfilling my needs. The Eastern Catholic Churches ordain both celibate and married men. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], p. 311). I hope my husband sees as well that I am not making these choices because I am mean and heartless and selfish (as I’ve been accused), but because I want him to take the steps to be healthy and happy. Perhaps I have turned my desire for intimacy into an idol. I could never imagine cheating, as I love him, and my greatest prayer would be for him to want to be with me. It’s not much, but it’s all I have. Author of Married Celibate and Saved will present an author talk Saturday, October 31, 2009 from 3:00-4:30 p.m. at the Atlanta-Fulton Public Library (Peachtree Branch) 1315 Peachtree Street, Atlanta, GA 30309 Lisa will share her experiences of living in a twelve-year sexless marriage and how their marriage managed to last fifteen years. From the statements that have been made, it seems evident to me that they are very contentious about how they approach this topic. It has been difficult to not “self medicate” with pornography and masturbation over the years when therapists have told me that ‘sex is 100% optional and completely non-essential’,…and when that information invalidates how I feel, making me feel broken in the first place. And I have to believe that in heaven there will either be perfect sex or something much better yet. Of course, this was an immoral thing to do to those spouses, and many clergies realized that there was â¦ Mine sure doesn’t! By learning to love, serve and obey my wife, I learnt how better to love serve and obey Him. ~ A Parent’s Guide, If the two people take care separately to inform themselves of the body and all its parts and functions and practice basic, virtuous courtesies together during courtship, their sexual adjustment after marriage will likely be all that they want it to be. I have been reading a bit about “the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome” and I think it describes me quite well. 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